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Thursday, 20 November 2014

Me, me, me

When I said I was blonde, that's exactly what I meant. And as a perfect girlie stereotype, I always had some time on my sleeve to think. I know that this may sound quite weird, but believe me when I'm saying that even us, blondies, think...sometimes. So lately I involved myself in finding the key of happiness. What makes us happy and why are the questions I struggled finding answers to for quite a long time. Actually my whole life. I am far from being a scholar dedicated to the big umbrella of the Philosophy of happiness. Too lazy, I guess, or maybe too bored with new trends. Anyway, after some serious thinking I realised that I would never get to a general answer...but I can try. And I did way! 

I knew from the beginning that to find a recipe for happiness I had to relate somehow to the happiest people alive: celebrities. They seem happy. At least that's what they show us, humble creatures without glory and fame. So let's just try doing what they do in the hope of getting even happier than them. 

A simple and very cheap (we don't want to spend money....not now before Christmas!) way of attending the highest state of mind would be to rip off your clothes and infect the world with images of your body. As many as better. That would make you happy without spending a dime for amusing yourself and others maybe glad, maybe not. But what do others count? Just think to yourself that  not everyone has to like you because not everyone counts. To be very honest, nobody in this case. But wait just a sec cos it's not so easy. Beforehand you have to attend a gym for quite a while. No, not to shape your body. That's Photoshop's job. Just to be able to make that nice buddy out curve, which in my opinion is impossible. And believe me on this one. I worked with toning bodies for a lifetime. Anyway, you can try. All you need is a nice champagne glass, one that you would have to buy from a trendy shop. And if you're on budget, you can eventually make a stop at one of the $2 shops. You don't have to search too much: they are everywhere. So if the glass is sorted, the struggle begins now, but, as a good chick, I can guide you through the right procedure. Do as you're told and you would be a step away from being happy. This is what you have to do. Turn just about 90 degrees, enough to see your full profile in the mirror. Suck your tummy in, push your buddy out as much as possible, then nicely position the glass on the curve made by your meaty, round ass. If you don't have one, that's a problem, so back to the gym for about another month or so. Now, if the glass stays nice and firm on your sciatica means that you are a star. But it wouldn't. So keep trying. Anyway, once the position is achieved, grab a bottle of bubbly, pop it loud and look in the mirror. If you're lucky the golden liquid would nicely fill in the glass that stays on your buddy. 

Now your assistant, cos you need one, would have to step in and help. She or he would take photos. Remember please that it's not important how beautiful your naked profile is, nor how big mama's ass you have. Is the assistant who does the big job. Because once the photos are uploaded, your assistant has to spend hours and hours photoshoping them, beginning with cutting some bits of fats of your waist, making your cellulite disappear, working on some wrinkles here and there and pushing the bubbly jet from the bottle in your hands to the glass on your ass. But a good computer wizard can do that, so don't worry too much especially if you've chosen the right who can make your photos go viral!

Now, I kind of guess your question. How does this whole experience would help you achieve happiness? Very simple. It's all about yourself and the attention you would get, also the comments, positive and negative, your photos would initiate. You will be in the centre of attention of everybody...and that's quite something. Fame and attention would make you happy. It worked for others, it would work for you. And once happy, you would pass your excitement to others. Cos remember that happiness spreads faster than an STD!

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